Avenue Q FUN!
by xglittergigglesx
Summary: This is from a HIGHLY controversial musical called 'Avenue Q' if you are offended by slight racism and the truth about it don't read. Now added 'Schadenfreude'and 'If you were Gay' also from Avenue Q! U dont need to have seen the musical to find this funn
1. Everyones a little bit racist!

_**DISCLAIMER:I do not own X-men, The song and i do NOT agree with racism. Its wrong and stupid but this song is kinda true so don't like, kill me or send abuse. If you are offended by the truth, please leave!**_

Kurt and Kitty sat on the couch. Kurt suddenly turned to Kitty."Say, Kitty, can I ask you a question?"  
"Sure!" Kitty said, turning to face the blue mutant.  
"Well...you know Magneto?"  
"Uh-huh."  
"Well...he's a jew...and you're a jew."  
"Right?" Kitty raised her eyebrow.  
"You're both Jewish."  
"Yeah."  
"Are you two related?"  
"WHAT! KURT! I'm like totally surprised at you! I find that totally racist!"  
"Oh, well, I'm sorry! I was just asking!"  
"Well, it's a like touchy subject. No, not all Jews are like related. What are like you trying say, huh? That we all look the like same to you? Huh, huh, huh?" Kitty jumped up.  
"No, no, no, not at all. I'm sorry, I guess that was a little racist." Kurt pouted and looked down.  
"I should totally say so. You should be much more like careful when you're talking about the like sensitive subject of race"  
"Well, look who's talking!" Kurt jumped up.  
"What do you mean?"  
"What about that special church you told me about?"  
"The synagogue, what about it?"  
"Could I go there?"  
"No! We don't want people like YOU there-"  
"You see!"

**KURT:You're a little bit racist.**

**KITTY:Well, you're a little bit too.**

**KURT:I guess we're both a little bit racist.**

**KITTY:Admitting it is not an easy thing to do...**

**KURT:But I guess it's true.**

**KITTY:Between me and you,  
I think**

**BOTH:Everyone's a little bit racist Sometimes.  
Doesn't mean we go Around committing hate crimes.  
Look around and you will find No one's really color blind.  
Maybe it's a fact We all should face Everyone makes judgments Based on race.**

**KURT:Now not big judgments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from -**

**KITTY:No!**

**KURT:No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys should learn to speak goddamn English!**

**KITTY:Right!**

**BOTH:Everyone's a little bit racist Today.  
So, everyone's a little bit racist Okay!  
Ethinic jokes might be uncouth,  
But you laugh because They're based on truth.  
Don't take them as Personal attacks.  
Everyone enjoys them -  
So relax!**

**KURT:All right, stop me if you've heard this one.**

**KITTY:Okay.**

**KURT:There's a plane going down and there's only one paracute. And there's a rabbi, a priest...**

**KITTY:And a black guy!**

**EVAN:Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Kitty?**

**KITTY:Uh...**

**EVAN:You were telling a black joke!**

**KURT:Well, sure, Evan, but lots of people tell black jokes.**

**EVAN:I don't.**

**KURT:Well, of course you don't - you're black!  
But I bet you tell French jokes, right?**

**EVAN:Well, sure I do. Those stupid French!**

**KURT:Now, don't you think that's a little racist?**

**EVAN:Well, damn, I guess you're right**

**KITTY:You're a little bit racist.**

**EVAN:Well, you're a little bit too.**

**KURT:We're all a little bit racist.**

**EVAN:I think that I would Have to agree with you.**

**KURT/KITTY:We're glad you do.**

**EVAN:It's sad but true!  
Everyone's a little bit racist -**

**All right!**

**KITTY:All right!**

**KURT:All right!**

**KURT:All right!  
Bigotry has never been Exclusively white**

**ALL:If we all could just admit That we are racist a little bit,  
Even though we all know That it's wrong,  
Maybe it would help us Get along.**

**KITTY:Oh, Christ do I feel good.**

**EVAN:Now there was a fine upstanding black man!**

**KITTY:Who?**

**EVAN:Jesus Christ.**

**KURT:But, Evan, Jesus was white.**

**EVAN:No, Jesus was black.**

**KURT:No, Jesus was white.**

**EVAN:No, I'm pretty sure that Jesus was black-**

**KITTY:Guys, guys...Jesus was Jewish!**

They all laugh. Bobby enters

**BOBBY:Hey guys, what are you laughing about?**

**EVAN:Racism!**

**BOBBY:Cool!**

**JUBILEE:BOBBY! Come back here!  
You take out lecycuraburs!**

**KURT:What does that mean?**

**BOBBY:Um, recyclables.  
Hey, don't laugh at her!  
How many languages do you speak?**

**KITTY:Oh, come off it, Bobby!  
Everyone's a little bit racist.**

**BOBBY:I'm not.**

**KURT:Oh no?**

**BOBBY:Nope!  
How many Oriental girlfriends Have you got?**

**JUBILEE:What? Bobby!**

**KURT:Bobby, buddy, where you been?  
The term is Asian-American!**

**JUBILEE:I know you are no Intending to be But calling me Oriental -  
Offensive to me!**

**BOBBY:I'm sorry, honey, I love you.**

**JUBILEE:And I love you.**

**BOBBY:But you're racist, too.**

**JUBILEE:Yes, I know.  
The Jews have all The money And the whites have all The power.  
And I'm always in taxi-cab With driver who no shower!**

**KURT:Me too!**

**KITTY:Me too!**

**EVAN:I can't even get a taxi!**

**ALL:Everyone's a little bit racist It's true.  
But everyone is just about As racist as you!  
If we all could just admit That we are racist a little bit,  
And everyone stopped being So PC Maybe we could live in -  
Harmony!**

They stop singing and frown. Bobby and Jubilee were down infront of the coffee table, each on one knee, Kurt standing on the coffee table, legs apart, arms spread wide and Kitty and Evan on the sofa, Kitty with one leg up at the side and Evan holding her leg with one arm, the other in the air, Kittys arms in the air also.  
"What the hell was that?" Bobby asked standing up.  
"Evan, can you let go of my leg?" Kitty asked and Evan nodded, blushing slightly, letting her leg go down.  
"We never speak of this again." Jubilee said in a hushed voice and the other 4 nodded.

**R&R!**


	2. Schadenfreude!

_**ok so this is my second song in the 'Avenue Q' musical fics. This one feature Lance and Pietro**_

_**But first, to the reviewers of Everyones a little bit racist:**_

_**RedLina:Thankyou, it was nice to get that review as u knew how edgy i was about offending people.**_

_**TheFuzzyOne1998:well, the important thing is you reviewed, even thought you find them freaky lol**_

_**yay for me:thanks hun, glad u liked.**_

_**PhoebeCat**_:_**Thanks, i took quite a while trying to figure out the right chars. And i have already written 'If you were gay'. I was going to not, but since u suggested it, i did.  
**_

_**thevixendixen:Yes the jesus part was rather funny if i admit so myself...and im glad u think it had diversity.**_

_**Sheady 16 :OK well, first thanks for reviewing. But in answer to ur review:I know Jesus would be middle easten, but that was in the song lyrics. Also I just said even blushed for the sake of it. I didnt look into the skin colour.**_

_**coolio firefly :Thank you soooooo much! Funniest u've ever read! lol wow kool!**_

_**ON WITH THE STORY!**_

_**Disclaimer:I don't own the chars or the song. **_

Lance was feeling down because Kitty dumped him. Pietro comes upto him and places a hand on his back.  
"Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy." Pietro said and patted his back.  
"I'll say!"  
"And when I see how sad you are, It sort of makes me...Happy!"  
"Happy?" Lance looked at him in astonishment.  
"Sorry, Lance, human nature-Nothing I can do!It's...Schadenfreude! Making me feel glad that I'm not you."  
"Well that's not very nice, Pietro!"  
"I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it!"

**PIETRO:D'ja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?**

  
_LANCE:Yeah..._

**PIETRO:And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their asses?  
**

_LANCE:Sure!_

**PIETRO:And don'tcha feel all warm and cozy,  
Watching people out in the rain!**

  
_LANCE:You bet!_

**PIETRO:That's...**

_BOTH:Schadenfreude!  
_

PIETRO:People taking pleasure in your pain!

  
_LANCE:Oh, Schadenfreude, huh?  
What's that, some kinda Nazi word?_

  
**PIETRO:Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"  
**

_LANCE:"Happiness at the misfortune of others." That is German!  
Watching Kitty being told she just ate chicken_

**PIETRO:Or watching Duncan realize just what he put his dick in!**

_LANCE:Being on the elevator when somebody shouts "Hold the door!"_

_**BOTH:"No!"  
Schadenfreude!**_

**PIETRO:"Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"**

_LANCE:Ooh, how about...  
Straight-A students getting Bs?_

**PIETRO:Exes getting STDs!  
**

_LANCE:Waking doormen from their naps!  
_

**PIETRO:Watching tourists reading maps!**

_LANCE:Football players getting tackled!_

**PIETRO:CEOs getting shackled!  
**

_LANCE:Watching actors never reach_

_**B****OTH:The ending of their oscar speech!  
Schadenfreude!  
Schadenfreude!  
Schadenfreude!  
Schadenfreude!**_

**PIETRO:The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.  
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great.  
**

_LANCE:Sure!  
We provide a vital service to society!_

  
_**BOTH:You and me!  
Schadenfreude!  
Making the world a better place...  
Making the world a better place...  
Making the world a better place...  
To be!**_

**PIETRO:S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!**

Lance and Pietro looked at each other then frowned.  
"Ooooook...i'm gonna go serande Kitty...again...bye!"(1) He bolted out the house and all Pietro could hear was the screaching of tires.  
_**  
1in tons of Lancittys, Lance seranades Kitty to make her love him again. So yeh..didn't wanna be left out!**_

_**R&R PEOPLE!**_

_**Next up is If you were gay!**_


	3. If you were Gay

**Phoebecat:**Well...this was done for you so I hope you like!

**Shadow Sakura:**Next up will be You can be as loud as the hell you want. I'm writing it now! But it will be up soon!  
**

* * *

**

"Ahhhh." Ray smiled. "Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway Musicals of the 1940s." No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?""Hi Ray!" Roberto smiled coming in.  
"Hi 'Berto."  
"Hey Ray, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me!" Roberto sat on his own bed.  
"That's very interesting."  
"He was being real friendly and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay!" The brazillian boy laughed.  
"Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?" Ray spoke fast, still looking at his book.  
"Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Ray..."  
"I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read."  
"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Ray. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."  
"I don't want to talk about it, Roberto! This conversation is over!"  
"Yeah, but..."  
"OVER!"  
"Well, okay, but just so you know —"

**ROBERTO:IF YOU WERE GAY  
THAT'D BE OKAY.  
I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,  
I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.  
BECAUSE YOU SEE,  
IF IT WERE ME,  
I WOULD FEEL FREE  
TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY  
(But i'm not gay.)**

_RAY:Berto please!  
I am trying to read...  
What!_

**ROBERTO:IF YOU WERE QUEER**

_RAY: Ah Roberto!_

**ROBERTO:I'D STILL BE HERE,**

_RAY:I'm trying to read this book._

**ROBERTO:YEAR AFTER YEAR**

  
_RAY:Berto!_

**ROBERTO:BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR  
TO ME,  
**

_RAY:Argh!_

**ROBERTO:AND I KNOW THAT YOU**

_RAY:What?_

**ROBERTO:WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,  
**

_RAY:I would?_

**ROBERTO:IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,  
"HEY! GUESS WHAT,  
I'M GAY!"**  
**(But i'm not gay.)  
I'M HAPPY  
JUST BEING WITH YOU.  
**

_RAY:High Button Shoes, Pal Joey..._

**ROBERTO:SO WHAT SHOULD IT  
MATTER TO ME  
WHAT YOU DO IN BED  
WITH GUYS?**

_RAY:Roberto, that's GROSS!  
_

**ROBERTO:No it's not!  
IF YOU WERE GAY  
I'D SHOUT HOORAY!  
**

_RAY:I am not listening!_

**ROBERTO:AND HERE I'D STAY,**

_RAY:La la la la la!_

**ROBERTO:BUT I WOULDN'T GET  
IN YOUR WAY.**

_RAY:Aaaah!_

**ROBERTO:YOU CAN COUNT ON ME  
TO ALWAYS BE  
BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,  
TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,  
YOU WERE JUST BORN  
THAT WAY,  
AND, AS THEY SAY,  
IT'S IN YOUR DNA,  
YOU'RE GAY!**

_RAY:BUT I'M NOT GAY!_

**ROBERTO:If you were gay.**

_RAY:Argh!_

Robertos eyes were wide.  
"Dude did I just sing a song about you being gay?"  
"YES! And Im not!"  
"Well...i've never seen you with a girl...since you've been here..."  
"BUT IM NOT GAY!"  
"If you were though..."  
"IM NOT!"

_**Ok so people asked for this song, people ask i give :D R&R**  
_


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